Dear Henry, welcome to the roller coaster

The doctors, the nurses and the other NICU moms all say the same thing....Having a preemie is like riding a roller coaster, some days are very high and some are very low, enjoy the highs. 

I had a low the other day, July 21st... and it just felt like I was dropped and kicked. 

Henry has been great, we are lucky that he isn't sick, he doesn't have anything very wrong right now. Like Tara said "He isn't sick, he's just underdeveloped". So I will happily sit by his bedside everyday and wait and watch him grow centimeter by centimeter and gram by gram

However, just because he isn't sick doesn't mean he doesn't fight everyday. Here's how my bad day started.... I was already in a weird headspace because Tara (Henry's day nurse) was on vacation, everyone deserves a vacation, especially someone who works in this type of work, as hard as she does with her crazy hours. To be honest I'm just accustom to her being there, and with so much going on in my life, I just didn't want her to go.

Anyways, this was day one of her vacation and so Henry had another nurse (let's call her Barb), Barb was sitting when I arrived and I walked in and asked her how Henry was she said "He is good...for Henry", so now I'm annoyed with her and we aren't 30 seconds into this day, I just didn't like that "for Henry" remark. Then I go to start his cares and she has the 2 hand holes open, well my arms are too short, so I ask her if she can open the top so I can reach in and she said "Well it's really not good for him, he is so little letting all the heat out isn't the best idea, but ok".

In my head- bitch, I've been doing this for 3 weeks now, leave me alone and pop the top.

out loud- Thanks.  

Then I changed his diaper and she tells me " there was a little blood in Henry's mouth, maybe it was scratched" and "his bottom is very irritated so be careful"... This is all information that I need to know, but today it felt like every time she opened her mouth I was being hit by a brick. 

Then the doctor comes in a says something along the lines of how they aren't happy with his weight gain, so they are adding more calories to the breastmilk and they will start adding protein. 

CAUTIONS NUMBERS THAT MIGHT NOT MAKE SENSE AHEAD!!!

Then I noticed that his oxygen was turned up, he is usually on 21%-23%, the air we breath is 21% so thats where we like him to stay. The more they have to give him the more damage it can do to his eyes (don't ask me how that works). Sometimes his blood oxygen number dips, we watch it all day long, it's a normal thing. If it dips under 72% they turn up the % of oxygen that he is receiving. Well Barb had his oxygen up to 24%-25%, so she didn't have to get up and down to adjust him. At 1 point he was at 50% because he had made a large dip, and while I was holding him I watched his blood oxygen stay at 100% for 4 minutes, I've never seen him this high on the oxygen and it just made me feel, if this is how she is while I'm here how is she with Henry while I'm gone. A small preemie like Henry needs extra care, and I just felt like she wasn't interested in giving anything extra. 

The best part of the day was holding him... obviously. We spend 2 1/2 hours holding each other... he held my finger until he laid down... my heart is so full of this sweet little man!

Then when I had to leave and put Henry back, she says "So what kind of restaurant do you have?", we hadn't spoken about anything besides Henry once in the 3 hours I was there... now you want to talk? 

Even though nothing terrible had happened, it was all of the little things that made me feel so sad for Henry's struggle. So while Barb really wasn't all that bad, I hated her.  

At the end of the day we went back and thank god Mary was there... we had a good night. Then in the middle of his cares his blood oxygen plummeted to 10% and I panicked. I couldn't stand by and watch him struggle... Mary assured me that his lines weren't picking up right and that he wasn't in danger. I heard her, but I didn't hear her. 

It was a bad day. I left the hospital feeling defeated. 

Spoiler... Barb had him the next day and she was wonderful... maybe it was me the day before? maybe not....

-Nikki