Dear Henry, day 2 was "easy".

I woke up on Sunday to the news that my amniocentesis came back negative for infection, which was great news, it meant that I could try and keep you inside! If it came back positive it would mean that I had an infection in my placenta and it wouldn't be safe for either of us to share a body anymore. 

Early in the morning they hooked me up to a monitor to track my contractions, I hadn't had any in a couple of hours so they turned off my epidural. I was told that they didn't want to examine me at all, for fear of breaking my water. Since my water was already coming out, and my contractions were quiet, I was moved to a birthing suite in the labor and delivery area.

My doctor came in and told me that I would be on hospital bed rest until I delivered, whether that was today or in 2 months. I have what is called an incompetent cervix, it just wasn't meant to hold a baby inside for a long period of time. We have had an unfortunate amount of fertility issues as it is, so this didn't feel like a surprise. She said that this is a retrospective diagnoses, there is no way that we could have known this, and nothing that we could have done to stop what was happening inside of my body. I felt so let down by my body and I continued to apologize to my unborn baby every second, that I couldn't keep him safe inside.

Sunday, June 26, 2016, was just me laying in a hospital bed. Matt, my parents and Hannah and Derek came with games and snacks to help me pass the time. I hadn't told any one else in the family yet, I didn't want to cause a mix of emotions that I didn't know how to handle myself. I was also hanging on to the idea that this would all turn around and I would be able to walk out of this hospital, pregnant, soon. Sunday was also the first time I heard the word "Cerclage". Was I a candidate for this surgery? Could they sew my cervix closed? Could Henry stay inside for weeks longer? These are all unanswered questions that I went to bed with. 

I laid in my hospital bed wide awake staring at sleeping Matt scrunched up on a little couch, he hadn't left my side yet. If we were going to live this nightmare, we were going to do it together. He held my hand and wiped my tears, while I wiped his. This was the most physically and emotionally draining 2 days of our life. As the day ended, nurses and doctors stuck their head into the room to congratulate us for staying pregnant 1 more day.

The new goal was to stay pregnant until Friday, when I would reach 24 weeks, and the statistics for survival were higher. *spoiler alert* I didn't make it to Friday.

We didn't meet you on Sunday Henry… I kept you in!




Dear Henry, Monday's ups and downs.

Dear Henry, let me tell you about Saturday.