Pregnancy after trauma and loss
I started this post 5 weeks ago and I couldn’t bring myself to finish it. I didn’t want to come off as ungrateful, even though I was really struggling. My head space is so much better now, once I passed the 23 week mark I feel like a weight had been lifted and I’m feeling happy and excited for our future! Part of this post comes from raging hormones and the rest is fear. There are endless positive pregnancy stories out there but sometimes it’s nice to know that things are hard and it’s not always happy moments even when you get exactly what you were asking for. I typed these next few paragraphs through tears and fear of judgment. So here we go…
NOVEMBER 15th-
Im 20 weeks pregnant today. I’m potentially half way there, or if it was Henry, I’m only 3 weeks away. Last time I was 20 weeks pregnant, I was over the moon, but everything is different this time. I’m struggling a little bit.
Let me start by saying that Matt and I are beyond happy for this next chapter in our lives, for us and for Henry. I am healthy and the baby is doing great! This has been a pretty regular pregnancy, I was sick for a few months but nothing terrible and physically everything is going exactly the was we want it to go. Mentally, it’s been tough. Here’s just a little back story…
I have been struggling with my fertility for nearly a decade. In the first couple of years and after thousands and thousands of dollars in IVF treatments and then getting ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome we were finally blessed with a pregnancy. Being pregnant with Henry was truly one of the happiest times in my life. We planned his nursery, went to every baby store and every night, matt and I, dreamed of our future together as a family of 3. I worked without a worry, and I never stopped living my life, I only dreamed of more. More everything. Bliss. At 23 weeks and 1 day my entire world changed as I was admitted in to the hospital. for pre-term labor. 4 days later Henry made his debut. We. spent 108 days in the hospital, and the next few years we spent in and out of doctors offices. That was a very very hard and scary time for us, but we made it through and we are so happy together. Henry is doing very well, and aside from being a little behind he is thriving and the happiest boy I know!
Once we were ready to expand our family more we went back to IVF and had 2 very heartbreaking and also very expensive miscarriages.
We conceived naturally a few years later which is where we are today. I have always dreamt of a positive pregnancy test and a healthy pregnancy on our own, but now that we have it has triggered a part of my mind that I thought had healed.
I’d like to be totally transparent in this judgement free zone. I just spent the last 45 minutes on the phone sobbing, to my dear friend Selina. Someone who I look up to as a mom, a woman and a friend. We’ve been friends since we were 10 and she’s the only person I wanted to talk me off the ledge I was teetering on. I am so grateful for our friendship! These aren’t conversations you can just have with anyone. Pregnancy is supposed to be the most exciting and beautiful time in your life. So why am I sad?
I’m sad because I’m scared. For a time that I had once dreamed of I’m feeling a lot of negativity towards. Even though this is exactly what we’ve always wanted, I can’t help but fear that we did all of this for nothing. To wreck my mental health, to turn Henry’s life upside down and to wonder if my heart is big enough for someone else. I spend my time trying to convince my self that I’m fine, but I’m not. I’m scared and I’m sad and I don’t feel excited. Will this pass?
PRESENT TIME-
It did pass!
I am now 25 weeks pregnant and still going strong. My body has figured out what to do with these hormones and my mind has cleared. I’m not looking for sympathy here, this is to show you that sometimes you smile when you feel like you’re dying inside. Most of my friends and family have no idea that I went to bed crying for weeks and that I spent my alone time on a couch planning all of the things that would go wrong and how I can make everyone else be ok with it. This post is to say check in on your friends, pregnant or not, sometimes a text hello and how are you feeling is the only thing to bring light to the dark days. Even when I was lying, and I knew I was sad and being irrational, talking to someone you love feels like breathing.
And that is on pregnancy after trauma and loss.
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Nikki
